Food History Part Two

Fast Forward

Here we are at the conclusion of my junior year of high school.  In addition to all of the physical activity that I am doing for soccer and basketball, I join the local YMCA.  I am practicing daily and working out at the Y for atleast 1.5 hours.  Clearly I am upset with the way I look and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make some changes.

This includes limiting my intake of food.

I wasn’t working because it conflicted with my sports, and I was never a breakfast eater.  I went to the gym during lunch and had practice at dinner time.  It was pretty simple to avoid food.  When I ate – it was salad, or chicken.  Occasionally I would cave in and eat the family dinner because I was tired of hearing from people “you aren’t eating enough”.  It was the quickest way to shut them up.

There were results.  I loved it.  I specifically remember a girl who had graduated two years prior coming up to me in the gym – commenting on how amazing I looked.  It made me feel fabulous.  It made me want to lose more.

My basketball coach told my friend that it looked like I lost 50lbs.  50? Some may have taken that as a compliment. But in my mind (since I knew I had only lost 15-20 lbs), I thought..

Wow, he thought I had 50lbs to lose?

That I was 50 lbs over weight?

I better keep going.

My eating was disordered.  I was working out harder than I had ever worked out before and I was eating less than I had ever eaten before.  As senior year rolled around, I experimented with different diet drugs like hydroxycut and xenodryn.  Anything for that extra edge… lose that extra inch.

Occasionally, people would make comments. I would ignore it.  My friends were definitly concerned.  I think I was in my own little world though.  Actually, I know it was.  When we reminisce now, they talk about how thin I got senior year.  How drawn out my face was. I don’t recall their concern in high school.

It was there. I just chose to pretend it wasn’t.

(I am on the right)

Although this photo is blurry – it perfectly sums of my life at this point. It was a BLUR.  I was going through the motions. I wasn’t living.  I was pretending to be happy.  Missing out on all of those “irreplacable” events that most seniors in high school lived to enjoy.  I was more concerned about my weight.

When would I get to the gym?

How long could I stay for?

Days before games..meant light practice.  Maybe I could get to the Y before practice…

How could I make people think I was eating?

This started to annoy me. I wanted everyone to mind their own business.  I felt like I had the eyes of coaches and faculty on my every day at lunch.So I had to make them think I was eating.  So I ate. I purged.  A vicious cycle begins.

A cycle that followed me through college and into my adult life.  A cycle that was almost impossible to break… almost.  But nothing is impossible.

My relationship with food and my body continued to deteriorate in college.  Being on my own – struggling in making healthy choice in the cafeteria.. late nights after drinking.

Tomorrow, I will dig deeper into the issues of health, body image, self concept and self respect as a college student.  These issues are so prevalent and so important to be taken seriously.

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8 responses to “Food History Part Two

  1. Cait, you are so brave to discuss this. I really admire you for sharing, and I know you’ll help a lot of people through your story. I relate because I engaged in a lot of overexercising/restriction/etc just because I thought I needed to to look a certain way to belong. Although I still struggle with body image issues from time to time, I’ve grown to realize how WONDERFUL and unique my life is, and I have so much more JOY because of it! I’m so glad you do, too! Have a fab day! 🙂

    • Your kind words mean soo much! I really appreciate them. It was tough for me to decide to put it out there. There are so many people in my life that don’t know my whole story.. but I realized it is part of who I am.. and I want people to know the whole me!

  2. Wow, I’d love to hear more about your story!

  3. Aww! This is so great! 🙂 Sound like we are A LOT alike in terms with our past! I went through the purging. And preteding I was eating enough.
    Oh and those thoughts!

    ” WHEN will I get to the gym!” Amen! It RUNS your life.
    Cheers to happy and healthy people now! 🙂

  4. Pingback: Food History – Part Three | beyondbananas

  5. Pingback: One Month In – **GIVEAWAY** | beyondbananas

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