Food History – Part Three

This is the third and final post of a series of my history with food… if you missed out, check it:

Food History Part One

Food History Part Two

So – here I am again. I find myself embarking on an amazing opportunity – COLLEGE!  I decided to stay in Connecticut for college – my campus was about 50 minutes away from my parents’ house.  My reasons for staying in CT – not so good.. BUT, I would not take a single one of them back because my life would be totally different! (I would have never met the love of my life .. although we didn’t meet at college.. but that is a story for another day! J ).

 

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I had already began to lose some of my obsessive exercising and eating habits prior to going to college.  While, I had many opportunities to play collegiate soccer, I ultimately decided against it. Why? I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Somewhere among the endless hours of practice, I lost for my love of the game.  I just couldn’t fathom making the commitment to something that was just no longer ME!

Well, I no longer had anything that forced me to train every day.  Nothing to burn off those calories.  I was still exhibiting binging/purging cycles – but it wasn’t as much of a focal part in my life.  I moved into my college dorm – and wasn’t a fan of the floor bathroom situation – so the binge/purge episodes were few and far between. I wasn’t weighing myself because I did not have a scale at school.  Then I came home for Thanksgiving and met up with a group of friends. 

Took lots of pictures (I did NOT do a good job of documenting life through pictures freshman year of college).  Didn’t like what I saw.

       

Back at school, I stepped on the scale again.  Really didn’t like what I saw.  I tried really hard to control what I was eating.. but it was tough.  Re-enter excessive workouts.  I would spend more than 90 minutes doing cardio daily.  Lifting.  Taking the long way to class.  I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted to see. 

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This was my solution.

For the next three years – I continued on this cycle.  I would either be restricting to the point where I would be light headed and queasy all of the time – or indulging in alcohol, fried foods, fast foods, and sweets – and then getting rid of those calories.

Let me tell you – this take a toll on a person – mentally, physically, emotionally.  I was NEVER happy with the way I looked.  I went through a bout of excessive drinking my sophomore year.  It was bad at one point.  I no longer felt like going out with my friends – but I still drank. In my room. Alone.  Until I was violently ill.  I was so unhappy, so depressed.  To be honest with you – I just got used to it, figured it was just the way I was supposed to feel.  That was life.

I am sure you are wondering how I was able to exit these vicious cycles of restricting and binge/purge.  I didn’t have a breaking point.  I do not have some cathartic moment where suddenly I realized I was doing major harm to my body.  I can’t pinpoint a specific moment in time.  What I was doing to my body was exhausting.  I think I just got tired of it. And I wanted it to end.

 Looking at these pictures today, I do not feel like I was overweight.  I may have been heavier then I would have liked to be, but there was so much more to it then that.  It was the vision that I had of myself.  The inability to accept myself for who I was and respect myself all together.  I had fogged vision.  And nothing was going to be good enough

 Since graduating and moving on into the “real world” (why do they call it that? .. it is not like I lived in a fake word before…) , I have had so many wonderful things happen to me.  I have the most caring and loving boyfriend in the world… who I know what do anything to me.  I have a job that I adore.. and I get to see the smiling innocent faces daily of so many children every day.  I am living in a lovely condo.  I have the best family a girl could ask for.  I chose all of those things over my illness.  I want to be happy. I want to be healthy.  For them.. and for me!

It is a lot easier said then done – recovery.. getting over all of your issues.  I struggle with it.. on a daily basis.  I try to stay away from “fat talk” and negative thoughts.  But it isn’t easy.  I have completed changed my diet – to eating mostly whole and raw foods.  And I when I am hungry (which is like .. always).  I know I am putting healthy foods into my body.. and I let them STAY there.  Yes I work out.. almost daily.  But for the right reasons.  Because exercise makes me feel good.  It makes me feel strong and it makes me feel beautiful.  I get energy and passion from exercise. 

My history with food.. well, that is exactly what it is, history. It was not fun.. it was not easy. But I do not regret having to go through it.  It made me the strong woman I am today.  I am thankful for  my health and my body.. and I am thankful for all of the wonderful people I have in my life that have guided me to make the most healthy decisions.

Sorry for the wordy post – but I also want to let you all know how much I truly appreciate your kind words.  It was difficult for me to share my story – but I feel so liberated now that I have! 🙂

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30 responses to “Food History – Part Three

  1. Wonderful post! I’m so glad you are at peace with yourself and living a health-focused lifestyle. I think we all go through similar experiences at one time or another, to some degree.

    As a relatively new blogger, I’m curious: have you shared your blog with friends/family? I have not, not that I share anything really personal… just curious!

    • My boyfriend knows about my blog.. but I havent decided how many people I will share it with.. and how quick. Some people will be reading this and finding outmy story for the first time.. even though they have known me for years.

  2. Beautiful post. I’m glad you’ve found a balance and are able to look back on everything and grow from it. Recovery’s never a smooth road..but it’s wonderful you challenged yourself to gain your health back. 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Mary. There are certainly many bumps on the road of recovery.. and I expect them to always be a part of me.. but I have my head on straight and I am going to take this down head on!

  3. I’m so glad that you are back to YOU! And thanks for sharing your story!

    Binging is something I struggle with, but when I start the day out right with exercise and a good healthy breakfast, everything else falls into place. It’s not been easy, listening to my body. When to stop and start eating, it’s hard to know for me. But I’m getting better at listening to my body and not restricting. Sometimes I’ll feel hungry and my stomach will growl with hunger but I’ll ignore it, and then end up binging in the evening and it’s absolutely horrible, so I just try to snack healthy when I’m hungry and give my body what it needs.

    • Hi Kayla – I know all of the feelings you are struggling with. I used to do the same things – and sometimes find myself doing it still. I think the most important thing is to eat when you are hungry. Your body is telling you it is hungry because it needs the fuel (and along the same time..don’t eat when you are not hungry!) I used to hate snacking.. but now I am a snacking machine. I literally eat 2 lbs of carrots a week. They are my go to snack!

      When I hold off too long on eating.. I suddenly want to devour EVERYTHING in site. No good. Same goes for indulgences. If I really want something that I don’t typically eat – and try to fill that hunger with something else.. I am not satisfied.. until I eat what I had originally wanted. So.. now I just eat the indulgence first.. rather then a million things and then the indulgence!

  4. I would encourage you to share your blog with your family and close friends. I went through similar struggles (different ED past, but similar struggle all the same), and I have found such freedom in sharing with those I’m close to. And even better, the more you share, the more you realize how many people share your struggle. You will help more people than you can imagine. And there are definitely those around you who are struggling now, and you have no idea. Also for me it’s easier to write out a lot of feelings… so maybe another reason that your blog would be a great way to share with your family, when you’re ready of course.

    • Hi Rachel – thank you for taking the time to read my story and share. I know I want my family and friends to hear this story.. and know my struggles. I just have to be ready. I think I will be ready soon.. but it is going to take time. I know their reactions won’t be bad.. I think I am just worried about people changing their opinions of me.. and looking for ED signs more often in what I do. But you are right.. I am sure a lot of the people I am close with had the same struggle and would not respond in such a way!

  5. Glad you got that out for YOU-it feels good, no?? Fueling the body takes time to get to know yourself again-so props to you for doing so!! YAH for exercise for fun reasons, instead of forced reasons!

  6. You are so brave to tell your story! Thank you!

  7. Congrats to you for overcoming and coming out such a gorgeous person. AND being brave enough to tell your story. Cheers to you!

  8. Amazing story! You are so strong to have gone through this and to share it on your blog! Congrats for being ‘you’ again! You are gorgeous! 🙂

  9. What a compelling story, thank you for sharing!! I think a lot of us can relate to these kind of struggles one way or another. You overcame it though and are happy, so that’s all that matters!

  10. Since graduating and moving on into the “real world” (why do they call it that? .. it is not like I lived in a fake word before…)
    ^ That made me laugh pretty hard because I am at the point in my life of the ‘fake world’ hahaha.
    Anyways, on a more serious note.
    GREAT post! WOW 🙂 You are very inspiring and I am so happy for you being in such a good place with your life and body issues.
    As for your boyfriend.. mine is the same. He means the world to me 🙂
    Have a great weekend girl!!!

    • Hahaha – it has just always baffled me.. “When you get out in the real world… (insert some lousy piece of advice here!” ENJOY your life right now (not that it is any worse once you get a job and responsibility.. but you are definitely living the best years. Although I hope all of my years are my best years!

  11. Im so glad you were able to find your way out of the cycle. Its hard, but SO worth it! 🙂
    Thanks for sharing.

  12. what an inspiring end to your food history. that last part really hit home for me, since I’ve been through recovery wice- choosing your parents, lover, life, over being unhappy and sick 🙂

    • Thank you Sabine. I read your blog often – and it is very inspiring. There are definitely days when the ED tries to trap me again.. and it is hard to push through those times, but I remember how far I’ve come and how I never want to go back. As time goes by, those days are are becoming less frequent!

  13. What an inspiring post! I think a lot of us can relate to your story. For me, it came down to the decision of choosing to live my life, love myself, and be happy with family and friends instead of being secluded, alone, and worrying about food. I’m so happy that you were able to get out of that vicious cycle. xoxo

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  16. it is soo hard to stop the negative thinking and embrace life– thanks for sharing your story, I know it has to be hard (but must feel great to get out!) We are more important than numbers!!!

  17. i LOVED reading this. i can relate to all of this. all of it.

    • Hi Shelby! Glad you found my blog. I love reading stories that I can relate to. I felt SO alone before I started my blog.. and now I know that there are tons and tons of girls.. just like me.. dealing with the same things on a daily basis!

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